I'm 20. After christmas, i crashed into a depressive period, stopped going to class, and ended up withdrawing (supposedly on medical leave, as my doctor signed the paperwork, but i never turned it in to the school, because that's what i do. don't tell anyone!) after spending two blurry months in bed. i intended to get back into consistent therapy and get a job and go back to school in the fall, and then coronavirus spread. not to blame the virus for my own failure. i'm sure i would still be having virtual therapy sessions and probably still be working ('essential', huh?) if i had got in when i had the chance, before everything shut down. one more thing i didn't do.
besides all of that, i don't know what to tell you. i float through every day like a ghost of the person i was five months ago. where does my life force go when it's not with me? i know it will come back, and i know it will leave again after that. i can hardly remember what it felt like to be busy and satisfied. how many times did i tell myself i wouldn't make it to age 20? how many times did i let it comfort me? but here i am, just as i have been at the edge of every other precipice in my life, alive. alive. alive. one more thing i didn't do.
i'll be moving again, soon. my room downstairs is full of dust, bugs, and possibly carbon monoxide, but we never found out for sure. the roof in my mother's room started leaking, and we had the drywall and ceiling ripped out in preparation to fix the leak, but now that can't happen because society's shut down in quarantine. we have been sleeping on the couch and loveseat in the living room. the new house has three good-sized bedrooms. clean, each with a locking door, closet, and a window that opens. i'm long since given up trying to feel at home anywhere, but i think it will be nice to have my privacy back.
i'm learning russian. it's slow-going, like most everything i do, but very enjoyable. i love the alphabet. it's so hard to read in cursive though. меня зовут алекс ио я могу пробовать сажа.
and that's it. i wonder how much longer i'll last.